life

I remember crying, harsh tears on my face. I remember feeling like I had no one, that I could never be loved. I remember the freshman who said I was beautiful and that I couldn't get out of his mind ever since the day we met in that god forsaken book store. I remember the one who was 17 days older than me, who was my first kiss in a dark movie theater. I remember being held so close yet feeling alone. I remember being told that that guy liked me; I ended falling hard for that tall boy. I remember crying because I knew he wouldn't like me. I remember the hunter who lived in the woods with his parents and brother, I remember him whispering something so not a secret in my ear while we were behind a wall. I remember the delinquent who I liked but only used. I remember the first time I said I love you to a boy under a table in kindergarten. But what I don't remember ever loves any boy in my entire life I only remember pretending to. I only remember being alone and looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I remember being called fat by my best friends I remember being a white Caucasian girl and being the minority because I was poor. I remember telling my mother I wouldn't care if my brother died. I remember breaking a foot and feeling the most pain I had ever felt. I remember my best friend ignoring me for a month and being in so much pain it wasn't even funny. I remember being so damn stresses I looked to someone across the country for help and he just fell in love with instead of realizing I didn't want that, he made himself so drunk I had to say I love you for him not to die. The bad guy in my life when away and no I know he's coming back and you what, im so *@%$!?* scared to even see his face. What if I'm incapable of loving a guy in the way I would need to because I never have. What if I just stopped doing anything in this world pertaining to that other sex because they have caused me so much hurt that I couldn't take another second? What if I told my friends these things? Would they be disappointed? Would they even care? What if I just stopped caring about everything in this world and just focused on doing this what if I just stopped doing everything? I remember my dad being gone for 2 months, him not being there on Saturdays to make pancakes and eggs for me. I remember my dog dyeing and myself crying. I remember wanting peace and quiet and all I got was to screaming voices of my friends. I remember hurting. I remember wishing I never became friends with some people because they all aren't lasting I can only see six people from right now in my future and I don't care what happens to the rest of them. I remember not wanting to do anything. I remember hating my mom when she was just doing the right thing. I remember crying writing this I remember wondering why everything amazing happens to the other people and never me. I remember asking my mom, Why can't I be swept away by some debonair with dark hair and bright eyes? I remember being a kid and being screwed up because I had 4 siblings who were all 9 or more years older than me and playing alone. I remember wishing I was a princess who could always wear dresses, but having a brother who wanted a little brother didn't work out for me as well as I thought. I remember getting tough and turned it to something cruel, something that no one can fix because my emotions are just collapsing around me and im just sad, Im always sad. If I could turn back the clock I would pf never talked to that black haired boy in kindergarten I would have never gotten on that swing, I never would have said yes to the boy who was 17 days older than me, I would have never talked to that guy in that god forsaken book store, I wouldn't of gotten mad at my friends, I wouldn't of turned someone half way across the country, I wouldn't of ever talked to the tall boy that I have fallen for I would of stayed by my-self and stayed a sweet little girl in a dress on the first day of 7th grade instead of a heartless #*?!* who hated people. I wish I could tell myself not to do any of it because it has gotten me sad it has gotten me to a place where i m sick of everything. This is not me saying I want to kill myself, this is me wanting help where I can't get it and me being tired of being tired of everything.

nissrinelahmer1 dans Littérature.
- 105 lectures

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